i see myself slippng into a state of cutting myself off from the world again. i dont know why. i guess when i feel let down or really stressed, like im not living up to expectations, it makes me want to stop being around anyone who would have expectations. it makes me want to drop everything and everyone to bury myself in taking care of ryan and lana.
im at that place where physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion are melding into one tired existence. maybe ryan is right, maybe im not ocd about things, but i am a control freak. because it seems more and more like when things dont follow the strategic plan i had layed out, i just lose it.
i feel like im not good enough to do the things i thought i could do. i feel like im not me anymore, yet i cant get away from the person i was. im in a limbo of sorts. im not depressed, but im not overjoyed either. but i wouldnt say i was mellow or melancholy. im not angry. im just floating in an emotionless apathetic dream world.
i started smoking again. never around lana, and never when im not drinking. but i have started having a drink when i normally wouldnt almost as an excuse to smoke.
wedding in traverse on saturday. so were spending the weekend up north. hopefully it will relax me and help me get out of this funk.
Family time!
Daddy & Baby
Baby Dress Up!
She's so fricken adorable!
Toy Time!
Her favorite, Moxy the Uglydoll
1 comment:
Trust me, I know that funk. I go through spurts of wanting to be around people every minute of every day to times when I will go days without speaking to anyone but Bri and the kids. My mom hates it. But sometimes, I feel like i need to retreat to my shell for a break or something. Weird? I don't know.
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